I am not perfect but am I really that bad?

I will be the first to admit that i am not a perfect mom, daughter, sister, friend. But today I was told something that really hurt and bothered me a lot. I have made my share of mistakes in my 32 years on this earth. I don't know anyone that hasn't. And I have learned not to look back and regret them because they have brought me to where I am today and made  me who I am.

I have spent the first 25 yrs of my life trying to live up to what I believed other people wanted for me. As a child/teen/ young adult I tried to think before I did anything in my life about what others would think or  how they would react . I was never a bad teenager who disrespected her parents. I finished school and went to college and worked.

When I decided to get married to a person I knew no one in my family liked was the first time I knew I was really disapointing my family. annd getting pregnant and having a child was the second. After I left my husband knowing it just was not working out, I tried again to do what was right in the eyes of family.

I am completely tired of living my life for other people, doing what is " right". and not having the life I want for myself. I was told today by someone that I love very much something that really hurt and bothers me. We are all given a life to live and are bound to make mistakes , but they are  my mistakes to make. I have never told this person what to do in their life and have accepted them for who they are , mistakes included. 

When do I get to do what I want? When do I stop caring what others think of me? I feel my life slipping away and not allowing myself to do what I want. I know life does not always go the way you want , but sometimes , sometimes, I would like to have or do what I want without others telling me how wrong I am for doing it.

My daughter is an only child except for a half brother ( who she rarely sees). I know she is a very demanding child and gets her own way more often then she should, and a lot of people  probably believe she is spoiled. I have often wished for the chance to give my daughter a sibling. But was told by a loved one they would pay me to not have anymore children.

It made me feel like I am terrible mother. that all I have done was make mistakes with my child. Have I really messed up my child so bad that having another child would be that horrible? I guess I can chalk up my experience of being a mom as another failure in my life. Add it to the long list already written down in the book of " what Melanie has done wrong in her life" .

changing your name after separation or divorce

A few yrs after I had been separated from my daughters dad , I knew there was no chance of us ever getting back together so I decided to take back my maiden name. It was a very hard decision that took alot of thought, weighed the pros and cons. I knew this would bother my daughter who does not have a strong bond with her father and very sadly will likely never have a great relationship but one can only hope things will change. I decided to go ahead and change my name. And after doing this I felt so good about my decision. However lately my daughter has started to ask if she can change her name as well. She just turned 6 and has alot of opinions on alot of stuff !! lol She acts more like a teenager most of the time then a 6 yr old . She really hates that our last name is not the same, she says she is closer to my family then she ever will be to her dads and feels like she should have the last name of her mom , who she lives with and spends 90% of her time with. I keep telling her that someday when she is old enough she can change her name or when she gets married she can take her husbands name, well this is not good enough ..she said that seems so far away and she NEEDS is done now. I do now feel very guilty about changing my name knowing full well she woudl eventually feel this way. I know there are alot of parents/children with different last names and it is not the end of the world, but knowing her dad does nothing for her but bare minimum and even that is a stretch .... it is no wonder she wants a name she can be proud of and a feeling of belonging.