I will be the first to admit that i am not a perfect mom, daughter, sister, friend. But today I was told something that really hurt and bothered me a lot. I have made my share of mistakes in my 32 years on this earth. I don't know anyone that hasn't. And I have learned not to look back and regret them because they have brought me to where I am today and made me who I am.
I have spent the first 25 yrs of my life trying to live up to what I believed other people wanted for me. As a child/teen/ young adult I tried to think before I did anything in my life about what others would think or how they would react . I was never a bad teenager who disrespected her parents. I finished school and went to college and worked.
When I decided to get married to a person I knew no one in my family liked was the first time I knew I was really disapointing my family. annd getting pregnant and having a child was the second. After I left my husband knowing it just was not working out, I tried again to do what was right in the eyes of family.
I am completely tired of living my life for other people, doing what is " right". and not having the life I want for myself. I was told today by someone that I love very much something that really hurt and bothers me. We are all given a life to live and are bound to make mistakes , but they are my mistakes to make. I have never told this person what to do in their life and have accepted them for who they are , mistakes included.
When do I get to do what I want? When do I stop caring what others think of me? I feel my life slipping away and not allowing myself to do what I want. I know life does not always go the way you want , but sometimes , sometimes, I would like to have or do what I want without others telling me how wrong I am for doing it.
My daughter is an only child except for a half brother ( who she rarely sees). I know she is a very demanding child and gets her own way more often then she should, and a lot of people probably believe she is spoiled. I have often wished for the chance to give my daughter a sibling. But was told by a loved one they would pay me to not have anymore children.
It made me feel like I am terrible mother. that all I have done was make mistakes with my child. Have I really messed up my child so bad that having another child would be that horrible? I guess I can chalk up my experience of being a mom as another failure in my life. Add it to the long list already written down in the book of " what Melanie has done wrong in her life" .
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